In the striving to live out my authentic self I must remember to stay calm. With the puppy whining, the dishes piled high, the children hungry and needing to get to school, I must take a breath, turn my heart from anger and have faith. Faith in the belief that I will have time for me, I will reach my dreams. The whining, poop pick-ups, arguments, and accumulated dust are all part of the journey. The trick is to not let the distractions, the life necessities consume me. I can still dream, be creative in between the chaos. Just take a breath, walk the dog and see that chore as a gift to be outside, an opportunity to dream a little. Perhaps gather story ideas. Move my body and clear my head.
Who Am I Again? by J.G. McGlothern (Heartwriter) March 6, 2009
When I was sharing with a neighbor about my book project, Finding Light InThe Madness of Motherhood, I was completely shocked when she asked, “So what is the hard part about staying at home with your kids?” I was shocked by both the question, she herself a mother of three, and by my temporary paralysis. I was tongue tied. I had momentarily lost the ability to speak and articulate my feelings. And that in a nutshell is the way I feel a lot of the time. I am so consumed with getting kids out the door for school, on time, well fed, dressed appropriately, lunch packed, items in backpack, (don’t forget to pull back the hair for lice prevention) that when I get home to a quiet house I can’t even stop to breathe. I keep up the pace and wash the breakfast dishes, start a load of laundry, make my bed if I hadn’t gotten to it because the youngest threw a tantrum right when I was pulling back the comforter. I don’t even have the energy or brain power to question, “What do I want to do now?” That is such an overwhelming thought and unfortunately I don’t hear the still quiet wisdom inside of me, I hear the “SHOULD” voice. I SHOULD clean up this mess, I can eat breakfast after. I should attend to this house chore, then I can do something I want to do. If I get to that point of having time to do something I want to do I have absolutely no clue what I want to do. The past seven and a half years of my life have been spent assuring the needs of two little persons are met that when it comes to my needs I don’t even know who I am, let alone what I want. Sure in my little fantasy world I day dream about things I want, but those thoughts get interrupted by someone else’s needs. I SHOULD figure out what I want. Screw the dishes, they’ll be there tomorrow.
Mom anger continued…
There are so many pre-conceived notions out there about staying home with our children. “Angry” moms might not fit in that category. But it deserves its own category because there are many of us. The anger comes when our cup is empty. Full cup equals happy, mellow mama. IT IS OKAY and even more OKAY to admit, that we have our moments, days and weeks of anger. We aren’t doing anyone any good to stay in that anger for it only robs us of the joy and beauty we deserve in our lives.
Mom Anger. Yesterday picking up my daughter from school the sun was out, the chill of the day was gone. The puppy pooped on the sidewalk, one child whinned to go home because of thirst the other cried, not wanting to leave. Walking home it was more whinning, more tears, more pulling from the puppy’s leash. I wanted to run. “Come on family”… I wanted to yell, “What about me?” Day two of husband being out of town and I wanted a break. Seems so selfish to be actually pissed at my situation when basically all was well just hairied at the moment. But soon that moment would pass. The whinning and tears would stop, a slack leash…quiet. That’s how my anger comes. In quick flashes. Bursts of flame then calm waters wipe it away. Again this morning chaos with the youngest, back talk from the oldest and a puppy needing to go outside. Where was the nanny to feed the children, the dog walker to see to the puppy’s needs and the house keeper to wipe away the evidence? A cup of tea and two minutes to myself I now see that I can replace my anger with patience and appreciation. A deep breath brings clarity. March 4, 2009
Hello world! This, my first attempt at blogging comes with the same apprehension I had joining Face Book. But I am aware of the possibility it all brings and love change. But now it is time to pick up the kids. With all the time I could have been writing I was being technically challenged. March 3, 2009
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