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Fragile by J.G. McGlothern December 26, 2009

Filed under: From The Heart — heartwriter @ 4:58 am
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I was mad at God Christmas morning. Of all days, I had to pick Christmas to hold a grudge.  The morning started out great.  I was awake before anyone else, had time to myself, my thoughts and a blank page.  Excited for the house to wake, I posted my new blog on Face Book.  Eager to get upstairs and watch everyone wake to the morning.

On Face Book I read about a woman I had recently been back in contact with since her families move to San Diego.  Her husband posted on her page…she died on Christmas Eve in a car accident.  Becky was gone.  On Christmas Eve?  That’s when the anger with God started.  Her two little boys would never have a normal Christmas again.  Her husband was left to pick up the pieces after her tragic death.

You don’t even have to know someone really well to be affected by their death.  What I knew about Becky was enough to make me feel fragile all day.  I can’t even begin to imagine how her husband, young boys, friends, parents, family feel.

Becky’s oldest son went to pre-school with my son two years ago.  She watched my son one day while I was on vacation out of the country.  Our boys played together a couple of times outside of school.  Her son gave my son a moon lamp for his birthday.  She showed up with a smile and honest words in the brief time I knew her.  And she said something to me standing in the bright sunshine on her porch that I have fantasized about including in the book I am writing.  Her words were poignant, stinging with beauty and honesty.  It was in those words that I knew I liked Becky.

She asked about my writing and I told her I was writing about the crappy side of being a mom and what the working title was – she immediately retorted – You should call it, Don’t Do It.

We stood there laughing in the sunshine.  Only knowing each other briefly and she didn’t hold back being real.  I got the honor of seeing the true Becky.  Beautiful, funny, loving…damn honest.  We continued to talk about the real side of being a mom, no airs, false selves put aside.

She moved away with her family and we only recently got back in touch via email.

Learning of her death Christmas morning left me in a puddle.  Stunned.  My heart goes out to her sons Ethan and Reid, to her husband, Jeff, whom I have never met but who was on my mind all day today.  I moved with a fragileness that left me aware and utterly raw.  Our lives are so precious and we have no idea. No idea at all.

My day didn’t end with anger at God, just a numbness that is slowly thawing.  An exhaustion that leaves me full of love and hope because that’s all we have.  And even when it doesn’t feel like it, it’s all we need.


6 Responses to “Fragile by J.G. McGlothern”

  1. Lisa Says:

    You are beautiful. I love your writing and am so glad you share it with us. You are brave and honest and real.

    And your blogs always leave me full of love and hope. What more is there?

  2. Rick Rosenkranz Says:

    Truly tragic and sad, Jennifer. I understand the emotions and the anger. God knows what you’re feeling, so pour it out to Him. My caution is to not let that anger simmer and become deeper in your soul. Anger at God over something tragic like this implies that you feel He had a hand in the tragedy, that He might’ve “wanted” it to happen. That is simply not the case. The world is full of junk like this, for the believer and un-believer alike. When things like this happen, I always go back to the cross and ask myself, Did God want His son to die on the cross? I don’t believe that He wanted that to happen. It was the world’s hate of Him and His son which brought about Jesus’ death. The amazing thing about God is how He used the world’s own “sin” against Him (killing Jesus on the cross) to redeem the world.

    Anyway, I don’t mean to say your emotions are real and valid, but just trying to help temper your anger toward God. Place your anger on where it really belongs, on this sometimes awful, ugly (and sometimes beautiful and rewarding) world.

    • heartwriter Says:

      Rick…did you read the end of my blog?

      • Rick Rosenkranz Says:

        Yes, I did, and I know you didn’t end the day angry at God. I just felt like offering up some additional theological thoughts.

        How are you coping with the loss? Prayer going up for God’s comfort for all impacted.

  3. Sukie Curtis Says:

    Dear Jenny,

    I have just spent time catching up on blog-reading and am so sorry for your learning of such a sad, hole-rending death on Christmas morning (or any other time, really).

    I’ve gone back and caught up with the past few weeks–such lovely stuff you are writing, my dear. I love the journals passing back and forth between you and your children! And could read about your 12 days of Christmas experience over and over (I know I’ve read it before, and still loved it again!).

    Keep going (I know you will). You are an amazing mom and and amazing writer. And I love you!

  4. Jenny Kanevsky Says:

    I never got to say how sorry I am about this. We’ve passed in cyberspace these last few weeks and I just wanted to write the words: “I’m sorry for your loss.” I miss you dear sweet friend and am so grateful to have you in my life. Soon.

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